The relationship of the spouses before the birth

Many women dream about how to get pregnant, go to sleep and wake up after the birth of the child (having slept through all 9 months), or have a baby in a month from the date of conception.
Of course, pregnancy - a difficult test for women, however, not all are aware of what changes and problems begin in family life after birth.

Also, as many spouses come to the doctor not to the conception of the child, and after, and also, as they are in no hurry to solve family problems before birth. And in vain, since the birth of a new family member completely rebuilt marital relationships, new roles, increasing the load on all family members, which usually exacerbates pre-existing problems in the family.

From the perspective of family therapy, family life involves certain stages of development, each of which involves a crisis of relationships. Here are the stages: the period of courtship, marriage, birth of children, the children go to school, adolescence, children leave the family (phase "empty nest"), one of the spouses dies. On the basis of my practice, we can say that the most acute crises shaking the family after the birth of the child, as well as during its maturation and separation from family.

The first crisis may be most acute if the period of courtship and marriage was very short, the relationship of the spouses did not have time yet to settle, "rubbing", and already they are expecting a baby. The second crisis is often visited by the couple, who have little in common hobbies and interests apart from everyday life and upbringing of children. In this case, after the departure of children from families, it appears that the marriage has already fulfilled its function and spouses are no more sense to stay together. Such disfuntsionalnaya family will do its utmost to prevent separation of children from their parents, encouraging them to irresponsibility and infantilism.

Returning to the first crisis, you can specify several possible causes: sexual "deprivation" of her husband, that is otstutsvie frequent sexual intercourse during pregnancy and after mother gives more attention to infant and husband, respectively, began feeling increasingly neglected, while at the same time he can help her avoid the housework and childcare, thus provoking resentment and anger of his wife. If the family already has one child, his competition and jealousy of a newborn is likely to become yet another cause tension in the family.

"My father says his son:
- You know, Stork, who brought you the little brother accidentally bite your mother
therefore it will have to wait a few days in the hospital.
- Here's trouble! - Meets the boy. - These were heavy labor, but there still is! "
Of course, well, when spouses can entrust the child's parents or babysitter and be alone, have the opportunity to choose "in people", but the possibility is not at all. Furthermore, the different perceptions of the spouses and their own parents about how to properly educate the heir will also generate their own conflicts.

In such a situation, it would probably be correct if the couple before the birth of the child sought to "settle" the existing problems in their relations to pregnancy and the postpartum period was the most calm. Harmonious marital relations during this period will also guarantee the absence of postpartum depression and anxiety in the mother. If you can not deal with problems on their own, for this family are psychologists and psychotherapists.

It is also necessary to establish certain rules of communication in the family, who are already often operate openly or secretly. These rules should include the solution of domestic problems, that is, allocation of responsibilities within the family, family leisure, views about the proper upbringing of children, the total budget, or distribution of material resources in the family, relationships with family and much more. Some of them are laid in the period of courtship, but finally become clear exactly when the couple begin to live together.

To do this themselves be intrinsically flexible, do not expect changes in the behavior of a partner, and start with themselves, abandoning the dogmas and stereotypes that unless the issue is not for you something very important, and global, that is fundamentally at odds with your inner values

Preparing for the birth to a new member of the family, you think not only about what diapers and vests him to buy, but also to think through and discuss together as will now be reallocated responsibilities and material resources in the family. You agree to this unless you both will not suit. The future, of course, will make its own corrections, but the foundation is already laid.

So, to me for assistance, please contact a family in which the girl was already about a year. In fact, they found themselves in a kind of isolation from the outside world after the birth. The mother was afraid to trust her daughter to any of the family, resulting in both husband and wife can spend time just at home with the child. In addition, the wife started to avoid sexual relations, as in the hospital her "alterations," her long healed stitches and sex caused her great pain. It turned out that her fears were not only physiological, but also psychological nature.

Ill-treatment in the hospital a woman has sparked memories of the earlier emotional trauma, and clearly it has been associated with psychological and physical abuse and neglect. High level of anxiety caused her to be isolated from the outside world. Her husband reacted with understanding to these issues. Because they raise the child alone, and he still had to earn money for the family, it is natural that all the problems of everyday life and care for her daughter lay on the shoulders of the mother. She resented that she did not help, he in turn began to accuse her of what works and earns money, he is one, in response to that, my wife even more offended and withdraws into himself. Thus both tired, so that just getting to bed and immediately fell asleep, not thinking about any sex.
This story can be called classical. For eighteen months we have been able to solve these problems so that the spouses have found someone they can trust from time to time caring for the child, and sexual relations have ceased to bring his wife to fear and discomfort, although before that they were ready to do her plastic surgery. Of course, were raised in family therapy themes of their joint leisure activities and allocation of responsibilities within the family. It takes into account the history and traditions of each parent families.

In such situations, very often their husbands, instead of figuring out what is really going on with his wife what had happened to their relationship, trying to find rest and somehow forget about their problems "on the side." Either they start to stay at work, and they are the mass of urgent matters, or are beginning to meet with other women. As the wife at this time tied to the child and the material depends on her husband, she has to endure all this. Perhaps that is why many marriages fail at a time when the child is about three years, ie, a time when the wife is tempered with each other and their stock of patience had been exhausted.

Furthermore, as said, the heroine in "The Barber of Siberia, a Russian man can not flirt with someone a little bit. You can get bogged down in a new relationship is thorough, that ultimately the fabric of the family and the breakdown of marriage. Interestingly, some women during pregnancy, offer themselves to their husbands' razdryadit "its power to someone else, without thinking about consequences.
So if a husband is behaving this way after giving birth, then after about three years, when his wife can return to work, and become more independent, more likely it will take "revenge", causing great confusion to her husband: "What the devil possessed her ?. Therefore, if sexual hunger prompts you to change spouse (wife), you need to understand that it is likely not solve the problems in the family, but rather complicate the situation.

Thus, the most common causes of family conflicts and betrayals are as follows: mismatch of interests and values of the spouses and the resulting tensions, corrupt sexual relations, as well as the difference in aims and expectations of marriage. If you are faced with this, then you have a reason to turn to family therapist, or by trying to create rules of communication within the family, identify common interests and goals.